Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.
Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.
After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, "Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them."
Russia is denying that they censored Jared Leto's Oscar acceptance speech. Russia said they would never disrespect such a pretty girl.
Vladimir Putin says that the Russian troops did not invade Crimea. Really? Well, what are those guys, mall cops?
Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us.
This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork.
Secretary of State John Kerry is all worked up. As a matter of fact, he was in Ukraine for a speech today. He looked out at the crowd and he said to them, "Ich bin ein, Adele Dazeem."
Today the Los Angeles City Council banned e-cigarettes. How do the people who smoke e-cigarettes feel about that? They feel steamed.
If you don't know what an e-cigarette is, get with with the program, grandpa.
They say e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes, but that's not a high bar. Saying that e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you're younger than Larry King.
Saying your e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you're tougher than Justin Bieber. It is like saying you're more affectionate than a cat. It's like saying you're more trustworthy than Congress.
The very funny Ricky Gervais is with us. A grown man named Ricky, I don't know about that. Adult men should have adult names.
We were almost obliterated by a giant asteroid today. According to NASA, a 100-foot-wide asteroid came within 216,000 miles of earth. The asteroid actually got closer to the earth than the moon. Then the moon got all jealous and went through the earth's text messages.
The asteroid seems far away but it's actually closer than John Travolta got to pronouncing Idina Menzel's name right.
Whenever an asteroid passes by earth, I like to curl my body up in a funny pose for archaeologists to dig up 10,000 years from now.