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Monday Mar 10 2014

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Yesterday was Daylight Saving Time, when we lose an hour for no apparent reason. By the way, losing an hour for no apparent reason is also the motto for this show.

President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered.

While working on the L.A. subway, construction workers discovered fossils from the Ice Age. The fossils belong to the last creature to ever use the Los Angeles subway.



The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

The mayor of Toronto, crack-smoking Rob Ford sent out a tweet about Daylight Saving Time reminding people to turn their clocks back. In fact, you're supposed to turn your clocks forward. And then he tweeted back and he said, "Well, who cares what I'm talking about. I'm on crack!"

Russian President Vladimir Putin claims that Russia did not invade the Crimean Peninsula. Then what are those tanks — part of a traffic study?

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un won re-election with 100% of the vote. They say that when the absentee ballots are counted the percentage could go even higher.

No one has ever won North Korea without winning Ohio. He humiliated his opponent Mitt Jong Romney.



The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

It's not such a great day for a family in Florida recovering after eating steak laced with LSD. About halfway through dinner they realized there was a problem when someone asked for a side of mashed potatoes, and that someone was the steak.

I don't think LSD works though if you get it warm. It doesn't work. You have to keep it in the fridge. But I've said too much.

Kim Jong Un was re-elected today in North Korea. He got 100% of the vote. His slogan was, "Vote for me or you'll be eaten by rabid dogs." It's awkward because that was going to be Hillary's slogan.

We just had the finale of "The Bachelor." It was a doozy. It was a fight for love between two very different women, a blonde and a blonde.

I admit I don't watch "The Bachelor." If I wanted to see a bunch of floozies kiss up to a guy they don't really care for, and aren't interested in, I'd go to the Playboy mansion.


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