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Friday Mar 14 2014

The Tonight Show Starring with Letterman

The average American citizen — you hear the statistic all the time — works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that.

I had to switch accountants because for years on this guy's advice I was sending my money to the Caymans. Sounds good, right? Well, I just found out a month ago that it's Phil and Arlene Cayman.

First lady Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her hair. In fact, her hair has a higher approval rating than her husband.

Michelle Obama added some highlights in her hair. And I know a lot of you are thinking, "Gee, I wish this show had some highlights."



The Tonight Show Starring with Ferguson

Albert Einstein wrote a manuscript that was lost for 83 years. Larry King found it in an old pair of jeans.

The newly found manuscript revealed Einstein didn't believe in the big bang theory, which says the universe is constantly expanding. He theorized a steady state that keeps constant by adding elementary particles. I have no idea what I'm talk about.

That's why Einstein was a genius and I'm a creepy man who tells jokes in the middle of the night.

The most famous scientist today is Bill Nye, the Science Guy. I think all scientists should have rhyming names, like "Double Trouble Edward Hubble," "Full Throttle Aristotle," and "Sure Winner B.F. Skinner."



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

We've been broadcasting from Austin all week, and I'm sad to say this is our last night here. I would cry but my tear ducts are clogged with queso right now.

We head home and then on Monday I'm going on "The Biggest Loser" to work some of this weight off. You know it's a good trip when you have to request a seat belt extender for your flight back.

Austinites are some of the kindest, most welcoming people unless your name is Rick Perry, in which case they will boo you until you go away. I also learned that pickles are served with ribs so you feel like you've eaten something green. I learned that if you follow a man with a beard he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence.

Willie Nelson is here with us tonight. Willie is America's second-oldest stoner, right behind Betty White.


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