Tuesday Jun 03 2014
A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.
Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.
There's reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.
A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.
Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she'll be slurring in a British accent.
The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.
So these Taliban guys have been down there in Gitmo and now they're on their way home. They're flying home. How would you like to get stuck behind these guys at airport security?
I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you're pretty close.
President Obama is in Poland. He's not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It's kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you're getting attacked, right?
Happy birthday to CNN's Anderson Cooper. Friends threw him a party today. There was an awkward moment when they yelled "Surprise!" and he said, "What, somebody's watching CNN?"
The man who created the drug Ecstasy died at the ripe old age of 88. See, kids? That's what drugs will do to you.
In Massachusetts, a 3-month-old German shepherd drove his owner's car into a pond. Let me be the first to say, "Bad dog!"
Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman’s name we take it less seriously and don't prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards.
Last week Apple bought Beats headphones for $3 billion. Guess what? They already lost it. They think they left it on the plane.
Yesterday Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy.
A new book called "Rebels: City of Indra" from Kylie and Kendall Jenner was released today. That's right. Kylie and Kendall Jenner wrote a book, according to loose definitions of the words "wrote" and "book." Listen, I agree to keep up with the Kardashians, but my contract said nothing about having to keep tabs on the Jenners too.
Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.
Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.
CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.
Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play in the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves, so . . .”
A new study shows hurricanes with female names are more fatal because people subconsciously assume that they are less dangerous. Though I’d bet people would evacuate pretty quickly for Hurricane Solange.
The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.
Donald Sterling is now facing another lawsuit after a former aide filed for sexual harassment yesterday. Apparently, he told her she was so sexy that he wouldn’t mind if she brought black guys to Clippers games.
Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.