Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work.

In an attempt to win over Wisconsin, Ted Cruz said, "To be honest, I like cheese on cheese." Of course when he was campaigning in Florida he said, "I like meth on meth."

The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional "health problems." Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a "health problem."

Warner Bros. is reportedly working on a new Speedy Gonzales movie. After hearing about it, Mickey Mouse said, "Wow, they ARE taking our jobs."

A California woman has turned her home into a sanctuary for 1,000 cats. She’s applied for both tax and man exempt status.

KFC is undergoing a massive $185 million effort to upgrade its restaurants. Not to be outdone, Arby’s has swapped out the rabbit’s foot on its restroom key for a rainbow Koosh ball.

After weeks of back and forth, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have finally agreed to hold a debate in Brooklyn next Thursday. You know you're in New York when you have to argue over the date of when you're going to argue.

Next Thursday’s debate will be at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Bernie says he chose the location because of its history, while Hillary liked it because it's remote, poorly lit, and close to the East River.

A new study finds that some people may be genetically programmed to be vegetarians. So in addition to having your grandmother's eyes, you can also inherit her ability to be difficult at restaurants.

More than 11.5 million documents called the “Panama Papers” just leaked, and they link Vladimir Putin to $2 billion held in secret offshore accounts. If confirmed, it could be the LEAST bad thing Putin's ever done.

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.”

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush.

Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign “boring as hell.” Though if he gets elected, I suppose “boring” is the best version of hell we can hope for.

A new iPhone feature has been developed that will interpret and describe Facebook photos to blind people. Finally doing away with the one good thing about being blind.

“American Idol” aired the first episode of its three-part series finale tonight. But the last episode you watched aired six years ago.

The social media platform Twitter just signed a historic deal with the NFL to live stream Thursday Night Football games this coming season. Before this, the only thing Twitter ever live streamed was Kanye West’s meltdowns.

Facebook will still have a live feed of your ex-girlfriend thriving without you.

Meanwhile in the world of baseball, Washington National Bryce Harper received some flak for wearing a hat that says "Make baseball fun again” on opening day. The hat is a take on Donald Trump's "Make America Great Again," and what better way to make baseball fun again than by reminding all of your Latino teammates about how Donald Trump wants to deport them.

I haven't gotten into baseball yet, but watching the game yesterday did make me think that Bryce Harper's got a point, and there are ways you can make it more fun. So here’s our first idea: Make the games five hours shorter.

Here's another idea: We let Chris Christie play one game a year for every team. He has to play one time for every team. It's a curse for them, but a blessing for us because we get to see this every week.

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy wants to reduce Spain's three-hour siesta to one hour. They're just going to have a lunch break like everybody else. Instead of going home for their nap, they'd sleep at their desk like the rest of us.

Well, I'm here to say, “Spain, no es bueno.” You don't realize it, but you're threatening an American tradition of making fun of Spain for being a lazy country where nothing gets done. That's important to us.

To us, Spain is a fanciful wonderland where everyone sleeps all afternoon and dinner is actually 100 little dinners on tiny plates. You order too much and still are hungry.

When we travel to Spain, we want the convenience of nothing being open in the middle of the day. "I'd like to cash a check, please." "I'm sorry, señor, the money is sleeping."