Losing his wife has been one of the hardest things Duane "Dog" Chapman has had to endure. At one point, the pain and loneliness that followed Beth Chapman's death in June after a battle with cancer even left him contemplating suicide.
The "Dog the Bounty Hunter" star made the shocking revelation Wednesday night in the season finale of "Dog's Most Wanted." He opened up about his hurt and how he wanted to take a "pain pill so bad," according to People.
Duane wondered if he had committed suicide "right now" and "got to heaven" and met his wife, would she be upset that he had taken his life or happy to see him.
In an August interview with People, he said he wished he could take Beth's place and felt the need to apologize to his children for this.
"So I went to them and said, 'I'm so sorry that I didn't die first and mom did,'" he explained to People. "And they were like, 'Yeah dad, why?'" Duane continued. "So I was like, 'Oh my God, I know what that feels like, I should've been the one. The guy goes first.'"
It took a while for the loss to fully sink in. Duane was in the shower when he first realized that his wife had passed away.
"I've only been alone as I showered and I had to run out without a towel, because I can't be alone right now," he said during the final episode of his show. "That's when I start thinking about things. And I lay down to take a nap, and I reached over to touch something, and it was the freaking dog. I don't realize yet psychologically that she's gone and I'll never, ever see her. I don't realize that."
In his darkest moments, Duane has found strength in his faith and revealed to Metro.co.uk that he was clinging to the thought that he would one day be reunited with Beth in heaven.
"I hope to God there is a God," Duane said. "I trained myself [to think], 'What would Jesus do?' and I hope I'm not just talking to myself. I hope there is a God and if there is, I'm gonna see my honey again. That's all we can do is hope."