Holly Madison said she was suicidal while living in the Playboy Mansion with Hugh Hefner and his two other girlfriends during the shooting of the the popular E! Network reality show "The Girls Next Door," according to excerpts from her book being released this month.
According to
People magazine, Madison recalled she was so miserable in 2002 she thought of drowning herself in a bathtub at the mansion, saying in her upcoming book, "If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over."
Publisher HarperCollins said in March that Madison's thoughts of suicide will appear in "Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny." In excerpts published by People on Wednesday, Madison talks about the experience in her own words.
Madison became semi-famous as one of Hefner's three girlfriends along with Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson – all at the same time – for five seasons in "The Girls Next Door" reality series, which ended in 2010.
"Everyone thinks that the infamous metal gate was meant to keep people out. But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in," Madison said about her life of drugs, alcohol and tension between her and her co-stars, at times instigated by Hefner who would pit them against each other.
Madison said she came to feel that she was "just another warm body" in the mansion and wondered about her own self-worth as she sank deeper into depression, noted People.
"Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading," said Madison. "I just couldn't take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference."
Madison, 35, is now married to Pasquale Rotella and she is the mother of 2-year old daughter Rainbow Aurora,
according to "Entertainment Tonight." Hefner married Playboy Bunny Crystal Harris in 2012, noted ET.