The U.S. State Department has hired a female anchor from Fox News. However, the State Department described it as “more of a rescue mission.”

Top Republicans are now saying that Trump’s border wall doesn’t mean an actual wall, but a metaphor. Which makes sense, because during the campaign all those Trump supporters were shouting “build the metaphor, build the metaphor!”

Ivanka Trump was booed in Germany. Apparently she told the people of Berlin, “Why would you get rid of a perfectly good wall?”

In Germany, Ivanka Trump told a crowd that her father is a “champion of supporting families” and she got booed. Ivanka said she was surprised; she has always been told to open with a joke.

Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning.

A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. It’s meant for children ages 6 to 12 or the president of the United States.

A nature preserve in Kenya has set up a Tinder account to find a mate for its male white rhino. Then, today, the rhino revealed it would prefer to be on Grindr.

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding.

Trump is asking Congress to fund his border wall, and there might be a government shutdown if they don’t. Or as Trump put it, “Hear that? The wall hasn’t even been built, and it’s already a HUGE obstacle.” Amazing how quickly that happened! Bigly!

Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people.

Trump hasn’t visited a single foreign country in his first 100 days, while Obama had visited nine. And today, Trump was like, “Quick, take me to Epcot! I need to bang out 10 countries ASAP.”

President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration.

It was reported that President Trump spoke today at the Holocaust Museum, though Steve Bannon denies it.

Spirit Airlines has scored the lowest customer satisfaction rating in its industry for the third year in a row. Really? Lower than United? What does Spirit Airlines do when their flights are overbooked, just crash the plane into a mountain?

Today was National Hug a Plumber Day. Said plumbers, “This doesn’t make up for what you did in there. To be honest, I don’t think I want a hug from you.”

The founder of Wikipedia recently announced plans for crowd-funded new website in the hopes it would combat the spread of “fake news.” But take that with a grain of salt, because I read it on Wikipedia.

We’re creeping up on Donald Trump’s 100th day as president. Coincidentally, my 100th day on Xanax.

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, was booed at a women’s entrepreneurship summit in Germany on Tuesday when she described her father as “a tremendous champion of supporting families.” You know you’re on the wrong side of history when Germany’s booing you.

Police officers in Australia pulled over a 12-year-old boy who had been driving alone for 800 miles. My question is, why didn’t anyone stop this kid when he pulled over to buy gasoline? “Man, it’s hot out here. I’m sweating like it’s one of Mrs. Henderson’s math tests. Am I right?”

Every day, tensions are rising between the United States and our sworn enemy, Canada: Cold Mexico, the Great White North Korea.

Since becoming president, Donald Trump has not left the country — he’s barely left the country club. But today, Trump sent Ivanka to Berlin to participate in a women’s conference, making her the first Trump to attend a women’s conference that didn’t include a swimsuit competition.

Ivanka spoke on a panel titled “Inspiring Women: Scaling Up Women’s Entrepreneurship.” And the Trump family has a long history of inspiring women — to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room.

When Ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. Well, that’s not fair. Trump obviously supports family leave. That’s why he’s always leaving one and starting another.

Stateside, they’ve had trouble moving Ivanka’s line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That’s how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program.