California Moves to Regulate Cow Burps

As California’s solo pursuit of a cure for "global warming" becomes ever more desperate, the solutions become ever more farcical. So far state carbon commissars have targeted cars, trucks, homes, and factories. Now they are zeroing in on Elsie’s digestive tract.

According to WNWY, "Cattle and other farm animals are major sources of methane, a greenhouse gas many times more potent than carbon dioxide as a heat-trapping gas. Methane is released when they belch, pass gas, and make manure."

In addition to being the nation’s largest producer of idiocy masquerading as policy, California is also the nation’s largest milk producing state. Since livestock are allegedly responsible for 14.5 percent of "human-induced greenhouse gas emissions" there is nowhere for Clarabelle to hide.

California’s goal is to reduce bovine burps to 40 percent below 2013 levels, but somehow I don’t see a rush of "public servants" volunteering to perform any of these measurements.

A sane taxpayer who knows who gets the bill for this fantasy, no doubt wonders who benefits? We get the double whammy: tax dollars spent chasing flatulent livestock, while in the grocery store milk and meat become prohibitively expensive. Who could possibly rejoice when Big Macs are unaffordable and milk shakes a memory?

I’m thinking vegans and soy producers.

Those joyless tofu totalitarians will only be satisfied when everyone is as miserable as they are. Baskin Robins will be serving 31 flavors of gruel and I guarantee no one will be taking a number there for the foreseeable future.

For the quick-thinking this could be a marketing opportunity. The only jobs Gov. Jerry Brown ever produced might well be in marketing low-fart milk next to the low-fat variety.

Implementation of the program could make rural drives much more challenging for fathers. As you cruise by the pastureland, junior may do a double take and ask, "Dad, why are those cows wearing shower caps on their behinds."

Dad will chuckle, shake his head and reply, "Son, that’s part of the state’s War on Whew that’s supposed to prevent cow odor. Those hats are named after the governor. We call them Brown Derbies."

The only upside to this zealotry is between now and the time it's supposed to be fully implemented in 2030 someone may come to their senses.

I would breathe a sigh of relief, but I’m afraid that would count against my carbon offset.

Michael Reagan, the eldest son of President Reagan, is a Newsmax TV analyst. A syndicated columnist and author, he chairs The Reagan Legacy Foundation. Michael is an in-demand speaker with Premiere speaker’s bureau. Read more reports from Michael Reagan — Go Here Now.