Should You Ever Leave Your Partner at Home?

Should You Always Bring Your Partner to Social Events?

Public and Private Protocols for Your 'Plus One' 

Most people know someone who always seems to have their significant other in tow.

This can be endearing as well as inspiring, like the couple who has been married 50 years and still interact with loving kindness and genuine affection.

Yet depending on the circumstances, there may be events, appointments, and encounters where we would not expect a plus one.

There may also be situations or gatherings where bringing a partner leads others to jump to negative conclusions. So if you have a significant other that you love spending time with, what are the rules?

Companionship or Codependency?

Many couples love to socialize in public, and it shows.

Their interaction is natural and relaxed, making them easy, fun, drama-free party guests. Other couples literally consider their partner to be their "other half," prompting hesitation to go out alone, feeling incomplete.

This arguably unhealthy self-view as "less than" on their own may account for viewing every invitation as a two-for-one.

This can be frustrating for people who want to spend time with friends and family members alone now and then, to speak freely, catch up, and maybe even talk about their "better half" behind their back — affectionately of course, unless there appears to be an issue of relational dysfunction.

Researchers have examined these issues as well.

Andrew P. Daire et al. (2012) addressed codependency and emotional overinvestment in their article, "Emotional Stocks and Bonds."

As a foundational observation, they describe codependent behaviors as those that are associated with "an unhealthy reliance on others for meeting emotional needs," which they note often creates dysfunctional interpersonal relationships.

Although the research by Daire et al. (ibid.) addresses aiding clients in understanding and changing maladaptive patterns of behavior, many of us have friends and colleagues who are not formally addressing codependency issues, which sometimes are manifest publicly in social settings.

Beyond psychological issues, there are practical reasons people might think twice before showing up with a partner.

Here are a few:

Can Busines and Pleasure Ever Truly Mix?

It may not be appropriate to bring a partner to an office-related professional function. Unlike a business trip, where your partner can liven up the occasion by accompanying you during travel and free time, professional functions, due to budget and programming needs, are often planned to accommodate employees only.

Not only would the plus-one likely feel ignored and bored, your employer may not appreciate the uninvited addition to the guest list. If in doubt, clarify expectations up front.

Social Savvy Defined

Many social events are promoted through the use of vague or ambiguous flyers advertising after-hours gatherings that appear to be hosted, but fail to specify the extent of the guest list. Before you reply," We’d love to come," ask for clarification.

Even if the event will be in a casual, public setting, the host may have arranged provisions for invitees only.

You will be in good company asking about this one, because invitations to after-hours events during time blocks usually reserved for family will no doubt have other guests asking the same question.

Arm Charm: Partners as Image-Enhancers

Some people like to bring their significant other to events to enhance their own image.

If just for show, such accessorizing may be perceived negatively.

However, assuming the event is one to which it is appropriate to bring a date, there is nothing wrong with bringing a partner who brings out the best in you, as many couples with great chemistry and compatibility are simply better together.

The bottom line?

in deciding whether to show up together, many couples take their cue from the location, the invitation, and the state of their relationship.

Toxic twosomes prompt awkward interaction, but healthy couples bring inspiration.

(A related column may be found here.)

The preceding article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.

Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.