Staying Positive While Loving an Unhappy Partner
Counteracting the Emotional Contagion of Negativity Bias
The dynamics of coupledom is a sum of both partner’s dispositions, demeanor, and personality. This is good news for couples who are like-minded or find their traits to be complementary, but potentially bad news for emotionally mismatched pairs who see things differently.
Waking up to the same partly cloudy sky, one sees a beautiful morning while the other laments it's probably going to rain.
Planning a trip, one gushes with excitement over the new experiences that await, while the other has made a list of all of the things that could go wrong.
Setting aside the question of how two totally different personality dispositions came together in the first place, the question is where do they go from here?
Research explains why that is such a good question.
Negative Influence: Show Me Your Partner and I’ll Show You Your Future
Olga Stavrova and William J. Chopik (2023) studied couple co-development and well-being in their article, "Don’t Drag Me Down."
They begin by recognizing the similarity in psychological well-being among romantic partners. Using research on valence asymmetry (such as negativity bias), they tested whether partners experiencing divergent levels of well-being would converge over time through a happier partner becomes less happy, or an unhappy partner experiencing improved mood.
They found through two longitudinal studies of over 20,000 couples, happier partners experienced the most dramatic decline in well-being, while unhappier partners only experienced a slight improvement in their well-being, if anything.
Stavrova and Chopik (ibid.) note that their results illustrate a "negativity bias" in well-being co-development, and that "bad seems to be stronger than good" in shaping the dynamics of changes in couple well-being.
In explaining the disheartening results, Stavrova and Chopik (supra) explain that negativity is more easily transmissible through social interactions.
They note that people frequently share information with their partners about the stress of their day or about upsetting events as a method of coping and seeking social support.
In addition, they note that negative information is frequently afforded more weight in overall affective experiences, meaning that a negativity bias might give unhappier partners more power to influence interactions and overall affective experience, allowing negativity to dominate daily conversations.
Creating Positivity
Because unhappiness is apparently potentially more "contagious" than happiness, the goal is to counteract negative patterns with positivity.
Avoiding a pattern where an unhappy partner "drags down" the happier one, to use the terminology employed by Stavrova and Chopik (supra), requires proactive planning.
Some ideas include the following:
The Gift of Time: A Season for Complaints
One idea couples could consider is designating a time to discuss negative events of the day— with both a start and an end time.
This ensures a negative partner has the opportunity to vent or share unpleasant feelings —but within a reasonable time constraint to ensure the negativity does not dominate the household for the rest of the day.
More time should be spent discussing positive topics, both before and after the vent session.
Misery Does Not Have to Love Company: Maintain Boundaries
The happier half of a couple should seek to maintain a positive emotional state, for the sake of both partners, while still being available to support the unhappy half.
But a negative partner should not seek to "bring down" a spouse or supportive partner because "misery loves company."
Remember that happiness is contagious too.
Focus on the Future
Because achieving hope and happiness is often about a perception of control, happy partners can optimize optimism through proactively planning the future, incorporating plenty of events and plans that make both partners happy and hopeful.
These can include family-related events, mutually enjoyable activities, movies, concerts, or merely time to relax together within a community of faith, family, and fun.
And finally, when couples are unable to strategize emotional balance or find enough positive events to focus on or plan, professional help is available. With effort and optimism, it is possible for even challenging relationships to have a healthy, happy future.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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