Strategies for Managing a High-maintenance Paramour
We all know someone who never seems to be satisfied.
They set the bar too high when it comes to expectations of you, and often of themselves.
Whether personally or professionally, when you think you've moved the ball down the field, they move the goalpost.
If you are reading this, you might already be involved with a hard-to-please paramour.
Exactly how did that happen? Likely over time.
Perhaps your partner was on good behavior at first, although intolerance and dissatisfaction often tends to be expressed, even on a first date.
Perhaps at first, the dissatisfaction was not about you, so you felt like you were part of a unified team.
You may ouhave even agreed with the sentiments expressed, leading your partner to feel empowered to continue the diatribe. Until predictably, the tables turned, and you were transformed from team-member to target.
If you are not sure whether or not you have fallen for a partner with high expectations, consider the following questions as food for deep thought.
The Walking Complaint Box
Some high-maintenance partners consistently show their stripes, because they are always complaining. These are the people in line at the purser’s office on a cruise ship or at the front desk at a luxurious tropical resort, complaining about a small flaw such as a drawer not closing completely or a spot on the rug.
The walking complaint box will also continually remind you if, God forbid, you are the one who "broke" the drawer or spilled the coffee on the rug.
There is no such thing as a complaint too small for a difficult-to-please partner.
When Your Very Best Is Not Good Enough
Hard-to-please partners are vocal about their dissatisfaction, even if couched within a complement. Although they may express appreciation when you have clearly made an effort to appease, be alert for the caveat. "Thank you for fixing the television set. I hope next time you can figure out how to add the cable channels as well."
"That concert sounds great. We’ll see how well we can see the stage from the seats you selected." Resist the temptation to engage with these types of remarks, there is no retort that will be" acceptable" to a partner like this, sometimes silence is golden and indifference is bliss.
Equal Opportunity Dissatisfaction
Someone who is hard to please within a relationship is likely hard to please in other settings — which you can detect early on in the relationship if you are paying attention. Jiseon Ahn (2023) examined the behavior of customers with Dark Triad personality in a service context involving food delivery.
Results showed that customers exhibiting narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy were linked with negative engagement, which in turn was associated with "negative behavioral intentions" which included desiring revenge and exaggerating in online reviews.
When Conflict Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Countering research on dark personalities, on the bright side, studies have identified how negative circumstances can predict positive relational growth.
Scott Gershwer (2022) found that within a sample of middle-aged, self-described "happily married" couples, negative experiences endured as a couple can increase mutual intimacy, when crisis led the couple to understand they could rely solely on each other in a time of need.
Gershwer (ibid.) thus identified mutual reliance as a relational value and apparent dimension of intimacy.
Love Is Blind, Not Deaf
Partners who are impossible to please are usually easy to hear, if you know how to listen.
Pay attention to word themes, conversation topics, commentary, and complaints.
If you decide that leaving the relationship is not an option and choose instead to try to manage the situation, you don’t have to lower your expectations about how you should be treated, but you can lower the volume or the temperature during disagreements.
Listen, without reacting.
Your partner’s tirade of complaints is not sustainable without any wind in the sails.
It takes two to tango, but also to argue.
With patience and possibly professional counseling, you might identify and address the root cause of your partner’s dissatisfaction, which in many cases will have nothing to do with you.
The preceding article was originally published in Psychology Today, and is used with the permission of its author.
Wendy L. Patrick, JD, MDiv, Ph.D., is an award-winning career trial attorney and media commentator. She is host of "Live with Dr. Wendy" on KCBQ, and a daily guest on other media outlets, delivering a lively mix of flash, substance, and style. Read Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's Reports — More Here.
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